Subject: need help on this promo plz Thu Sep 18, 2014 8:11 pm
(Ending of the match)
X hits a last resort on Phantom, after that UFF hit his finisher on X. X kick out(no resilency, sry UFF, I just got lucky).X x-out Uff. Then from the back as X was getting up. Phantom hits a code blue and pinned X
[after th tripple threat match Phantom still in ring]
Cole:
wow, what a match. These 3 put on an awesome show. With tables, trash can, and an announcement table smashed.
Taz:
Mmhmm. But what does X have to say about it.
X is in the corner shocked and angered. He pulls down Phantom, while he on the turnbuckle celebrating.
X:
No!no! I wont lose like this no. I punished both of you. I even X-bomb UFF fat ass through the announcement table. I slamed your head through a guitar! I even kicked out not 1 not 2 not 3 but 4 finishers. I swear if you ask anyone, who should this match they would said me!
X frustrated stares at Phantom like an angry rabbid goat.(yea a goat)
X:
Just like every other damn time i put on a show every single match. Show how much of a GOAT i am. But always end the same at th end. I get screwd. Why in the hell did you bring fat fuck. What happen to my 1v1.
X angrily walks around the arena.
X:
No! No! I want my rematch and i want it now 1 on 1, no bullshit. And this time i swear amd promise to everyone I will win. Cause this time phantom it only me and you in this ring. No on else.
(Open to phantom)
So basicly x is asking for a rematch with james phantom because he believe he was screwed over again and should have won. Any criticism would be helpful
MercilessEarth Main Eventer
Posts : 158 Join date : 2014-07-02 Location : Streets of Vancouver
Subject: Re: need help on this promo plz Thu Sep 18, 2014 10:57 pm
I'm going to help out the best I can. Here's how the promo would look if I wrote it. There are several issues to be addressed, such as grammar, promo pacing, making the promo easier to read and understand, descriptiveness and keeping the promo in character (not saying things like no resiliency as there is no resiliency skill in real life, which is how we are trying to portray this league; as if it were real.
Anyway, onto the rewrite:
The triple threat match between X, Phantom and Ugly Fat Fuck is raging on in front of a hot crowd that has been chanting all night, encouraging the PWL stars to put out their best efforts in hopes of pleasing them.
The fans rally behind X as he groggily hits a Last Resort on Phantom, a move which sends him reeling out of the ring as he tries to catch a breather.
Cole: Phantom may be new to the PWL, but he's no pushover! He knew he had to get out of the ring and take a rest or else he would have been pinned right there, Taz!
Taz: That's right, Cole! Veteran move, but Phantom may still regret it! The Ugly one and X may just end the match while he's out on the floor!
Ugly Fat Fuck has recovered in the ring and is blasting X with short arm clotheslines in the corner. X collapses into the corner, looking semi-conscious. Ugly Fat Fuck is looking confident!
UFF: (looking out into the sea of excited fans) IT'S LUNCHTIIIIIIIME!!!
Cole: You know what that means, PWL Universe!
The fans pop as UFF indeed hits the Lunch Rush on X, who falls out of the corner in a heap! COVER BY UGLY FAT FUCK!
Taz: This could be it!
The fans count along - 1............2........... NO!!! X Got his shoulder off the canvas at the last moment, and the crowd is chanting his name in appreciation!
Cole: Unbelievable! I thought for sure the Ugly one had him there! And so did all of these fans!
The Fat Fuck takes his eyes off the ball for a moment, glaring out at the fans with a look of disbelief on his face, as if to say "What do I have to do?"
As he is taking time to pander to the fans, X is already seen stirring behind him! He taps UFF on the shoulder, and as Fuck turns around, he gets nailed with an X-Out! Similar to Phantom before him, he rolls to the outside for sanctuary. X goes out after him, but as he does so, he gets attacked by a recovering Phantom, who smacks X's head up against the ring post with a thud! Phantom sends X back into the ring and ascends the turnbuckle, hitting a beautiful flying elbow!
Taz: This kid's got it all, and it looks like he may be setting up to have another win under his belt as well!
Phantom picks up X and hits a painful looking Code Blue, and immediately falls into a pinfall on X
The fans count along - 1............2........... 3!!!!! Phantom has won the match! The fans go ballistic as his song hits the PA
Taz: What a match, Cole! And what a showcase of the great young talent we have here in PWL!
Cole: These fans loved every bit of the action they just witnessed!
Phantom is celebrating in the ring, as X slowly gets to his feet behind him. Phantom's music cuts out as X signals that he wants a mic
Cole: It looks like X wants to say something to James Phantom!
The fans boo a bit as X grabs the mic, sensing that X may be acting like a sore loser.
X looks like he's about to go mental, clearly upset with the outcome of the match. Phantom goes face to face with him in the center of the ring as the fans are buzzing.
X: No! No! I won't lose like this! No!
The fans boo some more
X: I beat the crap out of both of you! I even X-bombed that fat ass through the announce table!
X points at Ugly Fat Fuck, who is being attended to by his daughter on the outside of the ring.
Taz: Sounds like he's sour grapes right now, Cole.
X: I even played a little tune for these fans by smashing a guitar over your head! I kicked out of four damn finishing moves! If you ask anyone here in this arena who should have rightfully won this match, they would all say it should be me! ME!
the fans boo and begin chanting for James Phantom, who stands in the middle of the ring with his hands on his hips, looking annoyed. X stares at him with a scowl.
Cole: The fans don't seem to agree, and neither do I! James Phantom won the match fair and square! What a sore loser!
X: Just like every other damn time, I put on a show for these people like nobody else can, and I get nothing for it! That Fat Fuck shouldn't have even been in the match! I want Phantom one on one!
Cole: Phantom was the one who defeated X! I'm not sure what ground he has to stand on here.
"You're a whiner" chants reign down from the stands as X throws a fit in the ring. Phantom is still standing motionless, but is smiling at the reaction of the fans.
X turns around and barks into the mic, inciting the fans even further
X: No! No! I want my rematch and I want it now! No bull*BLEEP*! I'll prove to everyone that I'm the better man! I'm the Greatest Of All Time damnit! I want you one on one!
Taz: What more does Phantom really have to prove, Cole? He beat X already tonight. I don't get it.
(Open to Phantom)
Seem better? As a sidenote, I'm not sure how this constitutes as X being screwed over... really, it sounds like he lost clean in a competitive match. Shouldn't a screw job involve someone cheating or interference of some kind? Anyway, this is how I would have written the promo. Pay attention to grammar and sentence structure. Never write stuff like "X say", for example. Write "Said X" or "Says X". Make the promo feel more real by involving realistic commentary from Cole and Taz that takes their personalities into account as well. Involve the crowd, and put a link to the winner's music in a match like this. Also, make sure that you research what moves your opponent uses. It's not right to just say "UFF's finisher". Look up what he calls his move. It's just courtesy. Hope this helps.
Twysted Up & Comer
Posts : 57 Join date : 2014-08-05
Subject: Re: need help on this promo plz Fri Sep 19, 2014 4:03 am
Merciless, he was screwed over. Have you not smelled UFF? That's a stench that could a no-nose one-eyed wonder.
Goldenhawk Cannon Fodder
Posts : 49 Join date : 2014-07-07 Age : 25
Subject: Re: need help on this promo plz Fri Sep 19, 2014 7:18 am
Thanks a lot Merciless, I wish i was as good as you. And the screwed over part, was when phantom add UFF when j was suppose to be a 1v1
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